Summer of 04, The Nightcap which was a promise of a new beginning... - Chapter Seven

We discovered a lot about each other that night. You can't spend all day and practically all night together and not know the other person fairly intimately and his certain well guarded secrets too. Some facts about the 'Greek God' Zaman:

1. He had the most amazing body I had ever laid eyes on.
(He had changed into shorts and a snug fit T-shirt before getting into bed)

2. He had a 'thing' for scented oils and he favoured lavender and sandalwood.
(He went for frequent body massages he confessed. We even decided to go for a massage together the following weekend)

3. He loved animations...common interest that brought us closer still...
(That's what we did until 4:20 am. We watched Mulan and then Mulan II. He wanted to do Brother Bear as well, but I was honestly exhausted and turned down the offer. And there was work in a few hours!)

4. He was gay.
(He admitted this at precisely 4:37 am...)

Zaman: "Stay."

Silence. I couldn't get the words out!

After a while...

Me: "what exactly do you have in mind?"

Silence.

What he said next came out too softly...

Zaman: "Spend the rest of the night here. There is plenty of room on this bed for the both of us and there are only a few hours left before we have to go to work anyway. I am not proposing anything more. I swear."

I just looked at him...and then I went on looking at him...wondering...

Me: "You are gay." I finally got it...and announced it too before I could think of a milder way of saying it.

Zaman: "Yes. I am harmless. Will you stay?"

Me: "Do the others know?"

Zaman: "No. I have spent very little time with these guys in Auz. Considering I joined the organization only a month ago I haven't made forever friends yet."

Me: "Hmmm...Do you want me to keep the secret?"

Zaman: "I don't know yet. I am still undecided."

************************************************

I stayed a while longer...we talked.

Summer of 04, Coffee & then some... Chapter Six

Somerset Salcedo
Suite # 1807
9:40 pm

Zaman: "Do you want to come up for a cup of coffee?"

I play the fool...

Me: "Starbucks? I reckon it’s still open and it ain't too far."

He smiles and my heart skips a beat...

Zaman: "I have a special concoction from back home. You'll like it I am sure. And my condo is closer. We are on the 6th floor as we speak; another minute and we'll be on the 18th."

Me: "Hmmm...What the heck...I love coffee and you are tolerable."

I give him a wide grin. He winks playfully at me.

We reach the 18th floor and exit the elevator. He opens the door to his condo and I follow him in. The most striking things in the room are the French windows with a stunning view and the king size bed which seemed to be dominating the huge room. The bed looks welcoming and promises a sleep on the clouds. The thought of sleeping on that bed runs through my mind for the obvious reason, sleep deprivation! I suddenly feel so exhausted that I plunk myself on the cozy armchair by the French windows and start to look outside at the brightly lit city. He goes into the kitchen to prepare the coffee he had lured me with. I let my eyes wander and take in the room at large. I notice both the 29 inch TV and the DVD player (the same as the one in my apartment) placed on a chest of drawers. The walk in closet door on the wall opposite the TV is ajar and white light filters through it. I get enough peek to see the closet is painfully clean and orderly. Just then Zaman walks in bearing two steaming coffee mugs.

Me: "Your apartment is awfully clean. I don't know any men who like cleanliness. I thought all men were messy."

Zaman: "Don’t be so quick to compliment. We have several privileges staying in this hotel you forget. House cleaning is one of them." He announces cheerfully as he settles into the armchair and gives out a sigh.

Me: "Today is Sunday. There is no house cleaning on Sundays."

Zaman: "Guilty as charged my lord. But don’t tell anyone I am a cleanliness freak. They’ll think I am gay." He winks at me wickedly.

I ask in all seriousness, "Are you?"

He leans forward in his chair and looks me straight in the eyes. His piercing gaze makes it difficult for me to decipher his mood. He finally asks,"What do you think?"

After a pregnant pause I deliberately make light of the matter and declare flightily, "Honestly? I don't know and I don't care!"

Zaman smirks and pushes himself back in his arm chair and retorts, "I am so hurt. These dimples don't do a thing for me do they?" He grins widely to accentuate the dimples he was so unabashedly referring to.

My heart skips yet another beat...

Me: "I am nice... I can be nice...I want to be nice...don't ask me diffiult questions!" I feign distress.

Zaman continues to sip his coffee which is actually heavenly and has managed to awaken all my senses (no pun intended!). We sit in companionable silence for interminable moments drinking coffee and nibbling at some delicious cookies.

Me: On finishing my coffee and placing the mug with a definite thud on the table, "I am off to bed now...I'll see you when I see you." I leave the chair grudgingly and slip my shoes back on and start to head for the door.

Zaman follows me to the door. I turn to bid him good night.

Zaman: "Stay."

Me: Questioningly "What for?"

Zaman: He extends his hand, offering me to take it and follow him back in. "Let me introduce you to FaMulan my love. She reminds me of you." This with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

That rings a bell and I take his hand gleefully.

******************************************

I finally park myself on the comfortable king size bed which had been beckoning me all this time. I stay with him until the wee hours of the morning...

That's another story...until then...

(To be continued...)

Summer of 04, The Pyjama Party - Chapter Five

Somerset Salcedo
Suite # 1002
8:45 pm

The door to Matt Feeny's apartment is ajar and I can hear an Irish band playing accompanied by a lot of noise and cheering. I am wearing a short nightie with its hemline rather high. I make a mental note of not stooping or else it would give a rather generous view of my behind barely covered in red Lycra.

'THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE!'

My thought on running into a broad muscled chest which is so obviously male: 'HE SMELLS DIVINE!'

My thought on that divine smelling creature saying, "Hello there." : WELL! HELLO TO YOU TOO. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? GREEK MYTHOLOGY?...!'

PAUSE. I CAN'T JUST KEEP ON THINKING NOW. I AM SUPPOSED TO RESPOND. OVER AND OUT.

Me: (I smile shyly and tilt my head a bit)"Hey! I am staying across the hall. I have got some macaroni and cheese... wanna help me find a place to keep it?"

The sexiest man on planet: "Sure! Come on in."

My thought on seeing his tight bottomed behind: HMMMMMMM... YOU CAN HAVE THE MACARONI 'N CHEESE...I CAN TAKE A BITE OFF THAT!...!

I place the dish on the kitchen counter.

Me: "Thanks :)"

He opens the refrigerator door and starts to browse through the content.

Greek God: "No Problem. Now what would you like to have?"

CAN I START WITH YOU?


Me: "I'll have a San Mig Light please..." I let my voice trail off...

He takes the beer out of the fridge and opens it with the bottle opener which is lying on the kitchen counter.

Greek God: " I am Zaman. I arrived this morning from Oz. I am staying on the 18th floor."

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM. THIS HOTEL HAS A LIFT! OK...STOP THINKING. SAY SOMETHING. CAT CAUGHT YOUR TONGUE?

Me: "I am Tanya. I am from India. I got here a month back. Like I said, I am in the suite opposite Matt and Julia's. Welcome 2 Manila! I am sure you'll enjoy your stay."

I DON'T MIND HELPING OUT IN THAT DEPARTMENT. I CAN MAKE IT IMMENSELY PLEASURABLE FOR YOU INDEED.

Zaman: " I am sure I will. Maybe you can show me around. Considering you have been here for some time now...". Discovered any Indian places to eat? I love curry!"

AW...AREN'T YOU SWEET? I HATE COOKING OTHERWISE BUT I'LL MAKE SOME CURRY FOR YOU IF YOU LIKE. THANK GOD MY MUM PACKED ALL THE INDIAN SPICES INCLUDING HOME MADE GARAM MASALA! SHE IS RIGHT...THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH!

Me: "You do hun? I have discovered not just Indian but some amazing Mediterranean joints. satisfaction guaranteed!" I throw in a wicked smile to punctuate.

Zaman: "Then take me out to dinner tomorrow?"

Me: "It's a date."

OOH LA LA

My eyes gleam in wicked delight....!

*******************************************

We finally exit the kitchen and join the loud and boisterous faction.

People devour the macaroni and cheese. We order some salads and pizzas from Yellow Cab. Someone goes out and gets a heavenly cheese cake which we shred to pieces and gorge. We are short of beer so I ask some muscled men to help me get lots of chilled beer from my suite. We drink some more and then it's time to go to bed...

Me to all: "Nightie night..." I walk back to my door in a very dignified manner. Or so I think. I struggle with the door lock for a bit. I then realize that I need to swipe the key through the lock for it to open. I belatedly realize I don't have a pocket in the night shirt. I walk back to Matt's door and I knock. I wait. No one responds. I knock harder. No response still.

THE DOORBELL!

I ring it. No one opens.

UGH! DRUNKARDS!

I slump against the door and think. At least I think I am thinking!

I take the elevator down to the lobby. I walk up to the reception with as much dignity as I possibly can in my night dress. I smile sheepishly and request them to open the door to my suite as I have forgotten the key inside.

The Receptionist: "Sure maam. It happens all the time". She says it in the peculiar Filipino accent with a straight face.

I finally get in and look for the key. I find it on the kitchen counter. I must have left it there when we came in to get the beer.

I don't forget to brush and floss, not even in that state. I am almost proud of myself when I lose my footing and slip.

DAMN THOSE FLOOR TOWELS! THEY ARE MORE OF A BOTHER THAN HELP!

I get up with difficulty and stagger to my bed. I snuggle in and heave a sigh of relief. I sleep well...

I dream of the Greek Empire and the Greek gods. Divine creatures float through my mind and I vaguely recollect a few names I learned in college: Zeus (Lord of the Sky), Poseidon (The Sea God), Hades (God of the underworld and of all the dark forces), Apollo (The Sun God, lord of Healing), Eros (The God of Love), Dionysus (The God of vine, wine and merriment)...

They all look oddly familiar... I wonder why....

*****************************************

Summer of 04, Tarot Reading Club - Chapter Four

Matt Feeny's Apartment
Suite # 1002
*Day after Diwali*
7:45 PM
Attendees: Julia, Matt and Me

Julia, I realize is staying with Matt in his apartment. They arrived in Manila together 2 days ago and were hence sharing the apartment. I am invited to sit at the dining table after exchanging a few pleasantries. The sitting room cum dining room is dimly lit and there is 'Sitar' playing in the background. Matt gets us all a beer each and a bowl full of chips. White candles are placed on the table along with a soft pack of Marlboro Lights, an ashtray and a zippo. There are 3 packs of tarot cards on the table; Osho Zen Tarot (mine), The Angels Cards (Matt's) and The Original Rider Waite Tarot Pack (Julia's). The whole setting is larger than life and I feel as if we have some divine powers that will help us unravel each other's secrets and predict the future however grim and bloodcurdling it might be.

Matt opens his pack and asks me what kind of reading I would like him to do for me. I think for a second and request him to do a 'Zodiac Reading' for me. The Zodiac Reading is done once a year, its done at the turn of the year to help clarify one's goals and resolutions, or alternately at Diwali (for Indians), Halloween (for Catholics) i.e whenever one starts his/her year.
Matt warns me about this reading being deceptively simple. He shuffles the cards until he feels ready, and then he deals them out, face down, in a circle, roughly like the numbers on a clock dial. He dealt out twelve cards, each representing a month of the year ahead, starting with the current month, October.
Starting with the first card he dealt, he turns over each card in turn.
He now starts to predict my future, which he insists is only an aid to help me determine what my future 'may' hold and what I can do to shape it myself. Of all tarot readings, this is probably the one to take most seriously, so I disregard his warnings and listen to his interpretation in rapt attention.



The 1st house represents, Aries. Matt tells me about my life and health in general in the coming year, which is not too great. He tells me I'll undergo a lot of mental stress and a close and trusted friend would try to manipulate me and brainwash me. I need to be on my guard and pull away. I sit back and let it sink in. I know who he is talking about and I try hard to convince myself that tarot reading is not a science. I shake myself out of my reverie and ask Matt to continue.
The 2nd house represents, Taurus. I learn about Financial matters now, which look bright and cheer me up a bit.
The 3rd house is of Gemini. He now talks about a few Short journeys which I will be undertaking, my kin, and learning. I realize I'll learn a few lessons alright in the coming year.
The 4th house of Cancer speaks of my mental state, which I understand will not be at peace.
The 5th house of Leo tells him that the items that represent my legacy will be mine. I'll acquire knowledge of some family secret.
The 6th house of Virgo shows my Work and professional life as relatively smooth and indicates growth.
The 6th house of Libra disheartens me as it speaks of affection, love, and relationships which are going to be rocky. Matt says I'll ruffle a few feathers and rub people the wrong way. He advises me to watch out.
The 8th house of Scorpio throws light on what I was waiting for all this while. The darker things: sex, death, birth, passion, and psychic ability. Julia now interprets this card as of extreme importance. Matt too says my psychic ability will be sharper and most intense this year. I'll emerge a stronger individual and deal with situations and people intuitively.
The 9th house of Sagittarius shows I'll take long journeys and have serious (professional) travel.
The 10th house of Capricorn: Personal and family honor, aged relatives, responsibility.
The 11th house of Aquarius is disappointing as was expected. It is about friends, which I don't have too many of anyway.
The 12th house of Pisces: My enemies, the paradoxes and self-imposed limitations of my life. As Matt says, "Heaps of those love, heaps of those...".

My reading is over and all three of us sit silently, each reflective on what the cards have unravelled. I take a big gulp of beer and sit up straighter. I offer to read Julia's future. She smiles and inquires if I know the 5 card spread. I assure her that I do. I deal my set of cards and lay them down, face down. The 1st card in the middle, 2nd to the left, 3rd to the right, 4th further down and to the left, 5th further down to the right.


Card 1: The present or general theme of the reading
Card 2: Past influences still having effect
Card 3: The future
Card 4: The reason behind the question (this shed light on card 2)
Card 5: The potential within the situation.

Julia clearly wanted to decide on the given course of action. Card 4 reveals Julia's subconscious impulse, perhaps a blockage which is stopping her from achieving a desired result. Card 5 shows the possible result from taking the given course of action. The cards keep pointing towards a relationship. I ask Julia a few times if there is trouble in a love relationship. She just smiles and requests me to proceed with the reading.
After the Reading is over, she finally confides in us. She tells us that she is separated from her husband and he wants her back. She says that she has dealt several spreads including the Celtic cross, which is best used if seeking an answer to a specific question, in her case the question obviously being if it was a good idea to go back to him or not.

Matt refuses a reading when Julia offers to deal a spread for him. He enthusiastically picks up the phone and orders a non-veg pizza from Yellow Cab. I stay on for another hour or so, we The Tarot Card Readers, discussing different kinds of spreads and their usefullness in different situations. I keep wondering why Matt declined the offer for a reading. All tarot card readers want a reading from another tarot card reader to gain a fresh perspective and also for an unbiased advise.

********************************************

I stagger back to my apartment across the corridor after an eventful evening and 5 beers with an invitation to join Julia, Matt and their friends for a pajama party the following night.

********************************************

(To Be Continued...)

Summer of 04, On Diwali - Chapter Three

My 1st Diwali ever away from home! Surprisingly, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Paiel has already made plans with the rest of the gang from India to go out for dinner to a swanky Indian Joint I've already been to with the Aussies. She has even taken out a pretty pink kurta and churidar to wear this evening. I haven't been on the best of terms with my fellow Indians off late. There has been an unspoken rift between them and me. I suspect its becoz I've been spending almost all my free time with the Aussies. Paiel still asks me to tag along with her and the gang for dinner. I give her the ghost of a smile and politely decline. I tell her I intend to snuggle up in the bed and read. I can see that the news hasn't really disappointed her. Whatever...like I care...!

*******************************************

THE DOORBELL RINGS

Jason is wearing a wicked smile on his face and his eyes are gleaming. I smile back at him. He leans against the doorway and says, "I couldn't help but notice the fairly large group of Indians all dressed up in traditional clothes leaving the hotel a few minutes ago as I was coming in carrying this carton of san mig lights. It struck me that you weren't part of the group. So I thought I'll drop by and check if you were OK. So are you OK?" I think if his eyebrows go any further up on his forehead, they would disappear... "Yes! I am. You weren't counting on me being in distress and you rescuing me, were you?" I ask.

Jason: "Ah!You read ma mind. Look, the beer is cold and I am open to sharing some with you. Do you have something to eat?"

Me: " Chips and cashew nuts. Will they do?"

**************************************

THE PHONE RINGS

"Hello?"

The voice on the other end..., "Meet us in the lobby in 15. Casual."

beep beep beep. The line gets disconnected.

Jason: "Blank call or a crank call?"

Me: "None. Gimme a minute to change, we are going out."

Jason calls after me... "where?"

*********************************

THE BLUE STAR

I find myself being introduced to a fresh group of Aussies at The Blue Star, a hip pub at Green Belt. I meet Matt Feeny, a very interesting character. He is gay. He thinks I am exotic. He wants to visit India and he has already read a lot about it. He does tarot card reading. I think this evening is not really a waste after all...

I bond with Matt at a whole new level. I do girlie talk with him and it doesn't freak me out. Ordinarily, I find girlie talk even with a girl to be such a turn off. However, I enjoy Matt's company immensely. I discover he is staying in the room right opposite mine. We are both thrilled. We decide to meet for dinner the next day and show our tarot card sets to each other and learn new ways of card spreads.

**********************************

HOME SUITE HOME...

"I can't get the key in! There is something wrong with the lock!" I grumble.

Matt: "Maybe they have deactivated the key..." his voice trails off at that thought and he struggles to get his apartment door open.

Me: "I CAN'T GET IT IN!"

Matt: "Oh!"

Me: "Yaa... thats right."

As I lean against the door in my drunken state, the door opens and I stumble in.

Paiel: "I heard the noise. You were struggling to open the door hun?"

I smile sheepishly at her and thank her.

"Happy Diwali!" Very generously I throw in a wish as well...

*****************************************

(To Be Continued...)

Summer of 04, At Cena - Chapter Two

Dinner @ Cena

Sitting outside on the porch with my new mates I let the big portable fan nearest to our table sprinkle some water on my face. I wonder if its the fan throwing sprinkles of water on the guests is whats keeping the business going in the October summer heat. We place an order for cocktails and snacks. I ask for scallops dipped in melted cheese to be served with garlic bread. Light hearted banter at the dinner table keeps us relatively entertained till the drinks arrive. I spot Jason and Jon Tout walking past the porch we are sitting on.I wave at Jason as I catch his eye. He gives me a wide grin and both men walk over to our table.

Kat: "You blokes wanna join us for dinner?"

Jon Tout: "Nah. We are just planning to head back to the hotel and order a pizza."

Jason: "We could stay and have some sea food. What say Jon?"

Ben: "You wont regret it. Pleasant company and good food assured!"

Jon Tout: "Well I guess we could have a pizza any other day...,lets get pissed!"

***********************************

8 creamy white shells turned inside out with salt and black pepper sprinkled on the edges. Pale discs of one scallop each swimming in dollops of hot melting cheese fill the shells to the brim. Intoxicating smell of warm garlic bread with cheese wafts into my nostrils and makes my stomach growl in anticipation. I dig into the first shell with a fork and bring the tender flesh wrapped in cheese close to my mouth. My tongue waters and I quickly bite into the scallop which I had been devouring with all my senses so far. The warm flesh nearly melts in my mouth. I close my eyes and savor my first scallop ever. I then lift one slice of garlic bread in one hand and the shell oozing with cheese (now minus the scallop)in the other and plaster the cheese from the shell onto the bread. I then take my first morsel of that heavenly bread and relish it. My eyes stay half closed throughout the meal oblivious to the laughter and teasing going on around me.

*************************************

We get into the mini van (curtsy Somerset Salcedo) waiting for us outside greenbelt. I don't say much as I feel rather heady. I slide into the back seat and rest my head against the headrest. Jason sits next to me and inquires; "You ok love?"

Me: (drowsily) Hmmm. I am good. Thanks for asking.

Jason: (Chuckles)"Are you always this formal or are you just drunk?"

Me: (With a sheepish grin) "Guess I am always painfully polite. I was groomed to be a lady (with a wink).

Jason: "I can see you have a wicked streak. You just hide it well."

Me: "Hmmm... Maybe..." I let my voice trail off and deliberately turn my head the other way to look outside the window.

************************************

(To be continued...)

Summer of 04, In Manila - Chapter One

November 2004
Manila, Philippines
Somerset Salcedo, Room # 9, 11Th Floor

Ben, Denise, Paiel and I are sitting at the round dining table that seats four. Ben is making babushka's for all of us. We are all cheerful and extremely high. Denise is too drunk to realize the door bell rang.

Me: "Denise! Get the door."

The chair makes a screeching sound on the wooden floor. After half a minute he stumbles back into the room.

Kat and Cathy follow. I have seen them at work, but we have not been introduced.

Kat is tall and has an athletic built. Cathy is chubby and simply over weight.

Me: "Hi. How are you doing?"

Kat: "Marvelous! Thank you. How about you? I have seen you two @ work."

Me: "Yup. So have we. I am Tanya and this is Paiel."

Paiel: "Hi."

Kat: "Hey. I am Katherine Meredith and this is Cathy."

We exchange pleasantries with Cathy.

Ben: "What can I get you Love?" To Kat and Cathy.

Cathy: "Anything wet will do. I am exhausted! We have been shopping all day."

Kat: "I'll have a San Mig Light."

Ben goes into the kitchen and comes back with 4 chilled beers. Denise is plonked on the sofa and is head banging to some UK pop number.

I look at Kat keenly as Ben opens the beer pints for both of them.

Me: To Kat, "You look different somehow."

Kat and Cathy giggle. Kat pats her hair and says, "New hair do. Do you reckon it looks nice?"

Before I can say anything, Ben says enthusiastically, "Of course! You look lovely."
She has cut her hair real short and it's burgundy.

Me: "You look different. But nice. I think your hair style will grow on people in time."

Both Kat and Cathy laugh out loud. Ben joins in. Paiel and I look at them quizzically. Kat gets up and goes into the guest bedroom. I ask Cathy, "What was that for?"

Cathy: "You'll see."

Kat returns minus the short red hair. Her hair is back to being black. long and flowy again.

Me: "Aaaah! A wig! How nice."

Kat: "How English! You favorite word is 'nice' I reckon."

Cathy: "Must be the British Influence since the colonization."

Kat: "What Colonization Love?"

Ben: "India was colonized by the British almost 50 years ago."

Paiel: "Actually more."

Kat: "Where is India on the Map?"

All of us burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Ben: "Sweetheart, have you watched India play Cricket against Australia?"

Kat: "I don't watch Cricket. But I do know that India plays against Auz."

Me: "Wow!"

Cathy: "Lets discuss India over dinner, shall we? I am ready to eat a Kangaroo!"

Denise: "That ain't legal Love!"

Cathy: "Pity isn't it? Lets go to Green Belt for dinner. Will you two join us?"

Paiel: "I think I'll tuck in now."

Me: "I'll come along. Let me go down to my apartment and change. I'll see you guys in the lobby in fifteen."

************************************

Kat follows me back to my apartment. I grab a short denim skirt from the wardrobe and a top to go with it. I dash for the washroom to change.

I get back after changing and critically analyzing myself in the full length mirror to find Kat holding the 'Hajmola' bottle in her palm and reading its composition at the back.

Me: "I take one tab after every meal. Its supposed to be a digestive. Wanna try?"

She does and makes a face.

Kat: "Eeeeeoooo...Too spicy for my taste. Indians have a sharp tongue I reckon."

Me: "Quite! You'll get to know exactly how sharp over dinner." I say it with a smile and a wink.

She grins back at me.

**********************************

We exit the bedroom. I find Gauri, Shilpi, Vara and Rohit keeping Paiel company in the sitting room.

Vara: "Where are you off to?"

Me: "Green Belt for dinner."

Gauri: "We are planning to watch Bridget Jone's Dairy 2."

Me: "Enjoy! Paiel I'll be back late. You tuck in. I am taking my key with me. Ciao!"

We leave.

*************************************

To be continued...

Memoir

Three hours of sifting through postcards, envelopes and pictures, I now feel i know him a little bit more. I discover something new about him everyday. Some things are pleasant, some not so pleasant. But then I accept, adapt, and mould myself to fit into his world better. Our marriage had materialized out of thin air. One wet and mucky evening in September 2005 I met this man and a month later we were betrothed. We were in love and things fell into place beautifully. Families were not just supportive but extremely happy with our match. It was as if divinities were smiling down at us and had instructed the bright sun to see us through till the wedding and after. We were meant to be together and the world around us complied with our wishes. No melodrama, no emotional blackmail, no fights, no resistance. I look back and marvel.
Although, a lone stray thought sometimes crosses my mind and makes me wonder why we didn't wait for a couple of years at least and then decide to settle down. Soon after, another thought finds its way into my latent mind and I realize how I still would not have known him completely. A little better maybe, but not fully. The state of being where you know your better half completely does not exist. Humans are ever changing. We are not constant beings. We get influenced and then change either for the better or for worse with a shift in time, surroundings and situations. The best we can do is to keep our eyes, ears, hearts and minds open to all the changes and learn to not just live with them, but to rejoice in them. Imagine how tiresome our lives would be if the people around us never evolved. We would have set expectations and other people would always meet them. The element of surprise would be subverted. Appalling thought indeed!

The ink was smudged in places; words were unclear where the paper creased, a few pages were dog-eared for some unknown reason. All the postcards and letters were crisp dry like fallen leaves in autumn. The old pictures were hazy and the colors not as sharp as they must have been all those years ago. I spent a long time sitting cross-legged on our king size bed, surrounded with all the letters sent to him over the years by his friends and cousins, pictures of his school trips and little notes which were probably exchanged in school while a lecture was in progress. I stumbled upon this treasure while clearing out his study table, which is perhaps two decades old. After a good 6 months I had the fortune of coming home fairly early from work. Everybody at home was rather busy with their chores, so I decided to go up to my room and rest for a bit. I was looking forward to take a nap for a couple of hours before dinner. Once in my room, scrubbed and changed into comfortable sweatpants and a worn out t-shirt I called him up to tell him I was home. After a brief exchange of words and a few distracted responses from him I inquired if his rashes were any better. He has extremely sensitive skin and he gets pudgy red marks all over his face due to extensive exposure to sun. He grumbled and then requested me to dig out his skin specialist’s prescription from the study table drawer. I obliged. While rummaging through heaps of paper I came across a bundle tightly wrapped in an old yellowish newspaper with a string tied around it. My curiosity got the better of me and I plonked myself down on the bed and quickly tore open the newspaper keeping the wondrous secrets from my inquisitive eyes.

Childish handwriting, weepy words, emotionally tremulous moments exposed in those short statements, movie stories, Pink Floyd and Dire Strait lyrics, mention of pretty and 'well developed' classmates, desires expressed so explicitly for leggy beauties in skimpy shorts, stolen kisses in movie theaters,complaints about unanswered phone calls, first bike and second hand cars, driving license and accidents which left scars, first dates and thunderous fights, jealous girlfriends and wasted nights, getting drunk and hangovers, first smoke and nursing bad throats, flirting and then saving face, classes bunked and final examination marks, college fever and ragging episodes, pilot's training and dissections performed on 80 year old carcasses, losing parents and weddings in the family, inquiries about neighbours' daughters and dogs...

I laughed till my stomach was in knots, I shed a few tears and then felt stupid about getting so involved. I felt a pang of jealousy when I realized how I have no stock of birthday cards, letters from friends in other cities and overseas, picture postcards sent by cousins who were travelling. How could I be so friendless and desolate. No memories to visit, no assortment of tangible evidence of my being a social being. The joy of peeping into his past and discovering moments of happiness and sorrow that he had shared with those who he was close to was mixed with agony. The remorse for people lost, memories forgotten, moments let go of so easily without a second thought assailed me...

I will cherish my today for tomorrow. I want to look back and know I was loved, discern I was surrounded with people who cared, recall moments and conversations shared. I'll save the little love notes he leaves for me around the house, I'll safe keep all the little momentos I receive...I want to live for tomorrow. I want to grab all thats offered to me today and preserve it for my future...for our future...

An Ode to My Folks...

I am a self reliant woman. Brought up in an almost liberal family by moderately conservative parents. I would say they were rather accepting of my rebellious ways, or so I would like to believe. Mostly; they just knuckled under the gigantic steps I took towards self distruction , or so they believed at the time. Thats how average Indian parents are I suppose, obsessively protective. And when all attempts at conservation fail, they safeguard their own pride and say, "You are free to do as you deem fit...we have given you the roots, now you have grown wings...be careful...there are a lot of people out there who would entice and misguide you...don't do anything we would'nt do...blah blah blah...". I am sure they did all that they warned me off. Or maybe they had seen way too many episodes of 'Sansani' and 'Crime Files', which emptied their heads and filled such nonsense. A few arguments I had with my folks in my formative years were; "It stands to reason why would my closest and most trusted friend, who is from a hindu family with religious roots, would one fine day have an inclination to indulge in any sort of malpractice?", "I am not dumb maa... I know who is genuine and who isn't", "Will you just stop asking me so many questions? I've told you I am going out for a movie with friends. Give me a break! Do you even want to know the registration number of the car I'll be travelling in?", "Why can't I ask my friends to come over and spend the day here while you are out on a day trip with your friends? I am telling you its perfectly safe. Stop getting so paranoid!"... Endless bickerings and constant shoving from me led to my parents backing off a bit and giving me some breathing space, just like I wanted.

I started getting fair amount of freedom, though conditional. Ma and Papa started making bargains; "We'll let you go for the movie if you let us drop you to the theater and pick you up after the movie. And also let us meet your friends and say hi. We just want to see who are the people you are hanging out with. It'll give us an excuse to have a date too." It sounded perfectly harmless so I let them have their way. Our arrangements were always fair and square. Life was very smooth until I started working. I needed more freedom than they were ready to give. Some more pushing and shoving was required. I would propose a plan and they would dispose it without even mulling over it. I incessantly cribbed and fought; sometimes to no avail and at other times getting what I wanted, but after being made to feel horribly guilty about it. Life was such a struggle at home. Then the situation deteriorated further. My mum started the sobbing and sniveling when she heard of my 2 month long travel plan. Work required me to go out of town which was totally unacceptable to my parents. I emotionally blackmailed my dad and had him on my side in no time. I realised after 22 yrs of my life that all I had to do was be helpless and weepy to have him comply with my whims and fancies! What a dud I was. Anyway, dad talked to mom, mom cried a bit more and accused him of being too liberal and not thinking clearly. After much hue and cry I was bid adieu. Complete freedom atlast! I could breathe... haha...fantastic! There was no stopping me after that. I travelled frequently. My organisation was growing leaps and bounds and needed trainers to be on the move all the time. Business and clients in Delhi were dwindling and there were more and better organizations demanding their services. World class trainers...multi skilled...such pool of talent was bound to get noticed. I was a tenured and experienced resource of my company. It could bank on me conducting trainings for some quite finicky clients too. I stretched my wings and went out far east. Corporate trainings as well were becoming my forte... Ma and papa were very proud of me. They were also more relaxed and less bothersome after that. I guess when you take flight and your parents are finally convinced that you are not about to crash and vanish in fumes, they lessen the pressure. Or maybe they just had my little brother, who had suddenly shot upto 6'1", to worry about.

Mr.me and I have been thinking about making babies someday... its not happening anytime soon though. I am sure I'll follow my parents in their footsteps. I can forsee myself being even more protective of our kids than my parents were of me. Especially after reading the gory details of the friendly neigbour who molested and mutilated the bodies of 30 innocent kids in cold blood. He even had the gall to bury them in his backyard.

I fear... to bring a life into this crazy and inhumane world. I fear...sending my kid to school and worrying myself sick until his/ her return. I fear...getting an mms with my kid doing the unthinkable. I fear...not being able to bring up my kid with moral values. I fear...losing my kid to the damn world which will fill his/ her head with nonsensical ideas...

I need to gather my nerve before I prove my mettle to my parents by bringing a baby in this big bad world...

I haven't the foggiest!

The winter chill, basking in the sun, nut crackers, woolly bright clothes, dry skin, watery nose, lots of dry fruits, hot chocolate and coffee, energy bars and bowls full of soup... that's winter for me.

"You look happy today!"...remarked someone with a quizzical look.
'ha ha ha'...I laughed out loud..."I am. Its probably because since morning everything I have laid my eyes on has been red!"

Red, makes me feel all christamassy. A tinge of white, makes me think of snow (which I have never witnessed at Christmas or otherwise; but I've seen plenty of movies to know what it must look like !)

Both these colors mark Christmas. Although, individually their natures are so contrary. Aesthetically they are completely different.

Red is considered a stimulant. It can have a physical effect of increasing the respiration rate and raising blood pressure. I feel exhilarated and uplifted when I wear it. And when I see so much of it at work (everybody wears it in honour of Christmas...), it naturally emboldens and energizes me.

Off late I have seen a lot of white as well. Driving through the fog late last night, tailing the truck lights blinking right in front of us, my husband and I were freezing our pretty asses off in the car with 'Gregorian' serenading in the background. Mr. Me finds this German band downright horrific. Their Church like melodic chants depress him. I, on the other hand enjoy the incantation which is definitely celestial! The dismal and dreary winter night darkened Mr.Me's mood even further. He was cheerless and grouchy because of the drive down the foggy frosty road. The grayish white night was brightened only by the fading glow of the taillights of the vehicles in front.

Our car came to a halt at the Kalindi check post. I peered out of the window and spotted a couple of cops with flashlights, knocking at the panes of the cars in front of us. "Jesus Christ! Its going to take forever. They are checking all the god damn cars ahead of us", I muttered.

Mr. Me selected another track, one of my favourites. He too is growing rather fond of 'Lifehouse', especially the album 'No Name face' .

He started to hum along ...
"Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you
i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you"

He is adorable when he gets all mushy. I couldn't sulk any more. I started to sing along. We were on a high, still stuck behind a monstrous truck with cauliflowers stacked so neatly on top of it.

The mist settling on our car must have made it glisten under the flashlight directed at it. I couldn't see it of course, but i definitely had a vision of the glossy exterior. Two hazy figures of thickly clad beings, swish swashing their heads from the left to the right, blaring music emanating from within. One of the cops tapped at the window pane and Mr. Me pulled the window down with a smug look on his face. He has these big almond shaped eyes, on this elf like clean shaven face, that look even bigger still when he is joyous. The cop looked at us both with suspicion (as if his glare was going to petrify us and make us divulge the secrets of national importance and that would be his break to glory!).

A brief and vague exchange of words between Mr.Me and the cop brought the matter to a close. The traffic ahead was clearing too. We picked up pace and were finally crawling on the glassy tar road. The warmth of his hand must have melt the icy frost on the car...the droplets sliding down the smooth surface... splashing onto the stone cold road...

The time stopped...we held onto each others hand for a long time...lifehouse still playing in the background... we carried on... shrouded in the cloudy fog... "I am hanging by a moment here with you"...