Memories

Manav woke up in cold sweat. A few minutes passed before he could focus and come back to reality. He was home and in his bed. The same bed he had shared with Reia for what seemed like a lifetime. The memories came flooding back. Her pleading eyes and trembling lips. The moaning sounds that had escaped her parched throat. Her soft skin smelling of the Spanish lavender oil she religiously applied all over her body. Her long limbs curled like a baby's while she slept. He shut his eyes to evade her sweet memory. He twisted and turned, crumpling the white cotton sheet further.

His eyes fell on the bed side table. It seemed bare. She had carelessly flung her favourite wrist watch onto the table one night, cracking the glass. They had gone to 'Landmark' to shop first thing in the morning. He had bought her a classy black Omega with leather straps. The same night, she had carefully taken off and placed the new watch on the table before snuggling into bed with him. He had even caught her admiring it in the middle of the night. She wasn't aware that he had woken up and was looking at her caressing the watch with a smile of contentment playing on her lips. She was so innocent and childlike. There was something about her eyes, especially when she looked at something or someone very intently. Whenever her eyes rested on him, they had made his pulse race and his stomach churn. That brought back another memory from the past...

They were sitting in a secluded corner of an open air restaurant which was on the thirteenth floor and they were looking down at the brightly lit city. Her eyes were dreamy and a little unfocused. She had taken 4 tequila shots already. He couldn't take his eyes off her face. She was beautiful. She felt his eyes boring into her and looked up. They stared at each other for a while. He wasn't sure if it were seconds or minutes that passed them by. She gave him a lazy smile and leaned towards him. He could smell her intoxicating perfume which was driving him wild. He was itching to take her into his arms and bury his face in her long neck and hold her smell forever. She whispered, "Take me home." He did. They were the only ones in the elevator going down to the basement car park. They stood frozen for the longest time staring hard into each other's eyes. He was incapable of intelligent thought and even less capable of making conversation to break the pregnant silence which he was sure could be sliced with a knife. They got off the elevator and into the car quickly. Neither spoke until they reached home. Night sped past so swiftly after that. He let her leave his side, that too regretfully, only when the sun came up.

He groaned and cursed under his breath. He forced himself to get out of bed and take a shower. He stood on the cold wet marble floor for a long time, letting the water wash over his feverishly hot body and then pool around his feet. He felt the drumming in his temples and his neck muscles stiffen as he soaped himself. He missed Reia. All the time. Every corner of the apartment, every little thing in the house, every sound reminded him of her. He associated everything with her. He was losing it. Losing the grip on reality. Reia's memories were with him always. He wanted to run away and hide. He didn't want to face the fact that she was gone. He wanted to go on fooling himself and believe she was at work and that she would come back. He wanted her to come into the kitchen now while he made an egg for himself and rub his tensed shoulders. He wished she would come and sit at the dining table with him again and have cereal and fruits. He wished for everything to go back to normal and for life to start from where he left living it. He wanted her back. It was unfair. God was unfair. There was no God. He didn't believe in God. It was all hogwash to make people feel mildly better about their miserable lives.

The phone rang.
"Manav..." , he spoke into the receiver.
"Take me home", the voice was faint but audible.
A familiar and sharp pain shot up his chest. He could feel his gut twist again. Just as it had done the last time he had heard her speak. He gulped.
"No, not this time", he said.
He replaced the receiver slowly. He was numb. He carefully put the plate in the kitchen sink, cleaned the dining table with a cloth to remove the crumbs of bread, picked up his car keys and shut the door behind him as he walked out of the house.

The loud music playing in the car prevented his mind from drifting into distant memories again. He breathed in the fresh morning air and let his body relax. He congratulated himself on maintaining his composure with Reia when she had called. He resolved to try harder and forget her. Forget the sweet memories and remember the pain she had put him through. Reia had gone through morning sickness while she was carrying. He went through morning sickness too now, just of a different kind. He woke up every morning thinking of her and the good times they had shared. He fretted every night before he slept out of sheer exhaustion. He felt sick to his stomach thinking about Reia aborting their baby in the fourth month. The thought of her committing such a gory act left him nauseated. She had begged him to forgive her. He had been furious with her. Mostly because it was dangerous to get an abortion done post the 3rd month into the pregnancy. To make matters worse, she had lost a lot of weight and had started vomiting a lot. Her eyes had sunk into the sockets and her face had become pale. Everyone had observed how sick she had started to look. He had taken her to a gynecologist who had prescribed loads of vitamin tablets for her. She took several tests and the result wasn't good. They discovered Reia would never conceive again. He had taken a couple of months to recover from the rude shock and for the realization and acceptance of the fact that he would never become a father. As if this wasn't enough to deal with soon after Reia recovered from her illness and regained her strength, she started going out and drinking heavily. He was bothered and he didn't hide his displeasure. There were heated arguments everyday, over the phone and at home. Finally, she sprung the on him her decision to move out. After much probing and prodding she admitted she had been seeing a co-worker and that she wanted to move in with him. "Let me go Maan", she had pleaded. He had. Just like that. His world had crumbled around him while he stood there looking at her folding her clothes neatly and placing them in the red suitcase she had carried her clothes in for their honeymoon. She had carefully placed the apartment key on the kitchen counter before walking out the door.

She had called now to ask him to take her back. Let her come back. Go over and bring her back. Home, where she belonged. No, she had belonged, once. She didn't anymore. The circle of life had pulled them apart. They had to stay that way. There was too much bitterness between them. Too much had been said already. No more.

"Nah. No More now." He drove on...

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(Manav's story to be continued...)